How We Fight: Now & Then | Tanvii.com - Indian Fashion, Lifestyle and Travel Blog

How We Fight: Now & Then


10 Year Anniversary Tanvii.com

10 Year Anniversary Tanvii.com
        10 Year Anniversary Tanvii.com

We have been married for ten years plus one month (almost) now. I won't be boring you all with how wonderful if has all been or how he is my best friend (which he is!) or how madly in love we are (which we are) because honestly, that's all I read and see on the internet and after a while it is just nauseating. Because let's get real, it can't all be bed of roses all-the-time! 

Instead I am going to tell you about our fights and how they have evolved over the past decade. Let's start from the beginning ... the first year was miserable. We used to fight like cats and dogs. We both were (and are) independent and had our own way of doing things. We both thought we knew better. Sometimes we would get on each other's nerves so much that we wanted to kill each other. That's not a figure of speech. We really wanted to kill each other. But we stuck it out ... I guess we were both stubborn enough to not give up on each other either.

10 Year Anniversary Tanvii.com

A couple of years passed and we reached a point where our fights got infrequent. But still fervent. A few more years passed and they got a lot infrequent and a lot less vehement. The only thing that remained constant at this point was how easily my husband was able to let go and forget about it all, and how I continued to hold on to the grudge and sulked for days.

Five years into the marriage is when we truly started to understand each other. We realized that it was not 'one against the other'. Instead we both were actually on the same team. We had each other's back no matter what. Nonetheless, whenever we did fight, I still wasn't able to get over it as fast as my husband. I needed that extra 24 hours to be truly myself.

10 Year Anniversary Tanvii.com

Sometime in the sixth year of our marriage a light bulb went on in my head and I was like, "Why do I torture myself like this?" We both had more or less exactly the same life, yet he was in a happier state of mind than I was. And I thought that was not fair, in the name of equality to say the least (I kid!). At this point I bargained with my brain and said, "I am going to come around and forget about this fight sooner or later. So why not sooner than later?" I remember the exact instant when I was able to practice what I was preaching to myself. We both were in the car, unable to decide a place to go for dinner. We both were starving, hence were getting hangry. We got into an argument which was then followed by a few minutes of silence. Now my autopilot response would have been to go home, head to my room, change and call it a night .. and then sulk for a day or two. But instead I did something I had never done before. I asked him, "Let's bench this argument and go get dinner first?" My husband was taken aback. Usually this would have been this role, instead this time I beat him to it. I do not think we ever got back to that argument and today I can't even recall what it was about anyways. 


10 Year Anniversary Tanvii.com

For last few years our fights have not been passionate enough to be described as "fights". They are merely either heated discussions or difference of opinions where one of us takes a step back before it blows up or gets out of control. We have both (on our own) realized that nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is worth losing an hour or two of our lives. 

When something does matter to one of us we choose to re-address it later, with a calmer heart and tone. For example, just recently something was on my mind and it had been bothering me for a while. I spoke about it to my husband and instead of taking offense he said, "I see where you are coming from and I will try and change that." He had never said that before.

10 Year Anniversary Tanvii.com

It has taken us a good decade to learn each other's, preferred way of communication, habits, quirks, and trigger points. This is not to say that we will never "fight" again but we would find our way back to each other ... sooner than later! 

You can catch us in our live banter below. 

Photography via Drishti By Tania Chatterjee
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29 comments

  1. im like nodding my head because i am very similar to you when it comes to arguments but over the years, i have learned to let it go...and just realize that we are not in a competition, we are on the same team. having this mind shift has really helped us understand each other. why are you two looking so gorgeous like always???? that saree looks beautiful on you!!!!

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  2. Y'all are so cute. So happy I found your blog.

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  3. Firstly, you are such a handsome couple! Secondly, when my husband and I moved in together before we got engaged, I wanted to kill him too. He was coddled by his parents and had never had to clean up after himself. He had never used a washing machine until he moved in with me! We fought constantly. Just like you, the fights became infrequent and now we just goof off constantly and enjoy each other's company. It's really nice. Congrats on your 10 years together.

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  4. Sounds like a well evolved marriage. It's good to learn how to "fight" which I think is something all successful couples learn to do. I don't think any couple knows how to fight from the jump. It takes figuring out yourself and the person you're with. And happy 10 year anniversary, by the way!

    www.ohtobeamuse.com

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  5. Love hearing people's stories on this!! My husband and I are both non-fighters, so for awhile things would just sit quietly but never get resolved. Now we're really great about just saying "hey this bothers me" and it's so much better

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  6. Our fights have evolved too- interesting how that happens eh? Learning how to fight isn't easy but defintely better for the marriage- congrats on hitting the ten year mark!

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  7. It is great that you were able to mentally recognize what you were doing and correct your course of reacting. I think so many marriages that survive the first 10 years is because they are able to do what you've done. Learning to put your marriage before your own self interests is hard but it is what makes a marriage work.

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  8. I love that you took the road less traveled here and talked about something that a lot of people are afraid to talk about! I like your note about sorta coming to your senses after your 6th year of marriage and realizing that it didn't have to be the way it was. That's a hard thing to come to terms with!

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  9. I am so entertained by you two

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  10. First of all, congratulations on over 10 years of marriage - that is wonderful! Also, thank you for sharing your whole story with us, not just the rainbows and sparkles :) Working together as a team is definitely key to a healthy relationship.

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  11. I love this! It is great that you two have gotten to a place where disagreements are more reasonable. You both look so cute! What a lovely couple.
    -Nicole V

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  12. You are a lovely couple with a lot of sparkles between you two. it's nice to see. Congrats on your 10-year anniversary!!! I shared your couple wisdom on twitter.

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  13. How awesome to share your relationship growth. I have to confess I also leave it to my husband to do the "making up". Which leads to a 3 or 4 day silence. which is about to be changed

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  14. I love this post! you are very cute as couple! on your pictures we can easily see all your love for each others! thank you for your post!

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  15. Good post! and a good point to remember "NOTHING, is worth losing an hour or two of our lives." -Aditi

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  16. It's great to hear how you two have evolved over the years. I'll be getting married next year so it's always interesting to hear about how other couples get through fights. They are inevitable, but I feel like every couple/relationship is different so there's never a single way to fight "correctly." :-)
    Cheers, Sarah Camille // SCsScoop.com

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  17. Remaining committed to each other no matter how hard the disagreement may be is the first step in the right direction. Congrats to you guys!

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  18. What you have said I can totally relate with. I believe with patience every marriage can actually work out if given the chance. I used to be the one to take longer to come around after a fight but gradually that has changed too. We are in our 12th year together and counting. Our anniversary was few days ago too. You are a beautiful couple. Happy anniversary to you two and God bless you.

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  19. Thanks for being real and authentic in sharing your marriage journey :) So many of us can relate, and I recall the 1st year definitely being the roughest too. So refreshing to read your post today. Happy anniversary!

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  20. You and I are similar.. I fight, say something stupid, change, go to my bed, I'll cry and sulk for 1-2 days.. horrible habit. I have to realize we are on the same team. I'm glad it gets easier. Marriage is tough!!

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  21. Great post! I think over time you learn loads about the person you live with. I am a very laid back person so tend to let things go.

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  22. You guys look great together! Your post reminds me of my husband and I as a couple - We guys fight almost everyday :)....

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  23. You guys are adorable and this is so helpful. Thank you for your honesty. I will HAVE to remember this for next time! Xo

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  24. Y'all are so cute! Marriage takes lots of work, so it's great to see how you two have worked through it.

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  25. Excellent blog. Love that you have found ways to understand each other and work together. I'm on decade number two, and we STILL aren't quite there. But we are working on it. :-)

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  26. Good for you that you were able to stop the bleeding before one patient headed for the door. So many relationships never make it to the place of recognition and compromise.

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  27. You guys are so cute! Congrats to being married for 10 years. Thanks being open and real about what happens in relationships. Yeah you guys may fight, but what's most important is that you guys work it out and love hard!

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  28. It's great to hear that you've come to understand that relationships take hard work and understanding.

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  29. It's great to hear that you've come to understand that relationships take hard work and understanding.

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