Goodbye Amma! | Indian Woman Fashion, Fitness, Food, Style & Travel Photography Blog by Tanvi Rastogi

Goodbye Amma!

1:01 AM

It has been 10 days since my grandmother (we called her Amma, fondly!) passed away. At first I didn't want to share this here. I do not like talking about my troubles and sorrows to the world. That is personal to me. I am still not sure why I am writing this... 

Being this far away it hasn't yet sunk-in that she is not there any more. I guess it will only hit me, when I go back home and find her room empty. The picture of saying goodbye to her, on my recent trip back home keeps flashing back in my head. She usually didn't like getting out of bed, since it was such a trouble, due to her deteriorating health. Still she came till the door to say goodbye to me in her wheelchair and as usual started crying. I hugged her and said "Ro kyun rahi ho? Kuch maheene baad toh dobara aa rahi hoon!" (Translation: "Why are you crying? I will be coming back in few months!") She was an emotional person. She would cry even if I left home for few days to stay at my in-laws.
 
You know how I like to cook-up-a-storm in the kitchen and love having people over? She too loved to cook for her family and fed them with a lot of love. I think I got that from her. She was definitely the best cook I have ever known. Even while she was not well and couldn't cook, I missed the food made by her loving hands. Whenever I cooked something I would run to show it to her, for I knew she would appreciate it like no one else. I always urged my Mom to show her the pictures of dishes I made, while I was here in U.S. She said, "Humari Tanvi ke khane mein ronak hai. Uske haath ka khana kitna sunder lagta hai." (Translation: "Tanvi's dishes looks celebratory. Food made from her hands looks beautiful".) I wish she had a chance to come stay with me and I could have pampered her with all my cooking and newly-acquired household skills.

  
She was the most forgiving person I have ever known. She never carried any grudges and always believed in the best in everyone. Even when she was in pain and unwell she always had a smile on her face and showed more concern about everyone else's well-bing. Sometimes I feel some of her children (she had 8 of them!) didn't do right by her but she never had any complaints. She continued to smile and hope for the best for everyone. 



She was the picture-perfect-grandmother, the one who would save you from your parents' wrath, give you an extra bite of sweets, melt at the sight of your first tear or pain and always be filled with love and warmth. When I was 5-6 years old, I spent many afternoons sleeping on her wobbly belly and listening to stories about Gods and Goddesses. It was so comforting. When we (me and my brother) started going to school, Amma would wake up an hour early to cook on any festival or special occasion so that we can take that in our lunch boxes and not be the last one to eat it in the afternoon.  

She had not been well for past 6 years. The left part of her body had been paralyzed. Simple things in life had become a struggle for her. Though I feel relieved that she is finally out of her misery, I also feel sad because a part of my childhood has gone with her. I hope she is in a better place now, with my grandfather, looking upon us. 


But I still cannot believe I will never see her again...
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71 comments

  1. oh dear .. so sorry to hear that . I know you have the strength to sail through it.. lots of hugs..

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  2. Tanvii...I'm so sorry for your loss. You have painted a very pretty picture of your grandma in this touching post, she sounds like a really sweet person. I'm sure she will be remembered with a lot of love by you and your family. Again, my condolences to you, dear.

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  3. oh tanvii,.. so sorry to hear that,.. but trust me, se must be on a better place *smoooch and hugs!
    *cheers xoxo



    Love,
    Beny Ricardo Sadewo
    http://www.purple-snap.com/

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  4. May her Soul rest in peace!
    She definitely was a very good Human and a perfect grandma,
    must be proud to have a Gran-daughter like You.
    Take Care.

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  5. hey Tanvii! so sorry for ur loss! ur grandma sounds like an awesome person! i had tears in my eyes ereading ur post....once again so sorry for ur loss! tc.

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  6. SO sorry to hear this Tanvi! I write a lot about my grandparents who passed away. In my head I like to imagine that they'll be reading this too. And they'll be happy to know how you've grown up. Love & a big hug to you!

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  7. Thank you for sharing your fond memories of your grandmother. I am sure she is smiling with joy.
    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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  8. So sorry to hear that. But so sweet of you to dedicate a post to her. I am s overwhelmed. :) You are amazing as is your grandma :))

    Loads of love.
    Take Care

    xxxo

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  9. Aww be strong, hun. BIG HUG from the Philippines! :)

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  10. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about this, Tanvi. You're in my thoughts. Sending you big hugs and lots of love from across the pond! xxoxoxo

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  11. such are grandparents-they fill up life so amazingly and silently that they leave a void when gone that can't be filled-i still have dreams of my grandfather who passed away some ten years ago-but such is life-the happy memories keep us going...

    wish u loads of strength!

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  12. Oh...I'm so sorry for your loss dear Tanvi. She sounds like such a wonderful person... My grandma died many years ago, but I still think about her with lots of love and miss her... Keep her in your thoughts and she will always be there for you.

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  13. Sorry for your lose dear...your grandma was a wonderful person and I know she is alive within you...take care!!

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  14. Lots of love and hugs to you! I went through similar feelings, when my grandfather passed away 2 years back and I was not in India..Though its kinda strange and difficult to sink in, I am sure they are all looking upon us, from a better place :)

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  15. I know how hard it must have been for you to share this personal part of your life. I am so sorry for your loss dear!! It seems that your Amma lived a beautiful life, that has helped make you the amazing person that you are!

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  16. Am so sorry for your loss... This was a really good post dedicated to her... Your grandma is really amazing..

    Take care!

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  17. Tanvii, I'm so sorry for your loss, she sounds like a wonderful grandma. I'm sure she's in a much better place now.

    Hugs

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  18. I'm sorry. It's hard to face such a loss. She sounds like the perfect grandmother. Try to remember the good times and the abundant love she had for you.

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  19. I'm sorry for your lost Tanvi *hugs*

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  20. I'm so sorry for your loss Tanvii. I'm glad you shared it here even though it's personal. Your blogger family wants to be there to comfort and support you in your time of need. I'll say an extra prayer for you and your family.

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  21. Oh honey :( ... I'm so sorry to hear about this... my thoughts are with you and your family... xox

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  22. Losing a grandparent does mean losing out on the most purest forms of affection ... never scolding.. always loving ...

    My condolences are with you ... One can only but pray that she is in a place that fills her with all the love that she filled your life with and more.

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  23. So sorry to hear of your loss dearie. Rest assured you will meet her in heaven again one day:)

    Take care!

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  24. I am so sorry to hear of your loss Tanvi, but glad that you could share it with us. How wonderful to have had a grandmother like her in your life. Much love and hugs to you:)

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  25. Oh Tanvi, my heart goes out to you and your family. Your Grandmother sounded like an inspirational lady and you can see the love radiating from those photographs. Much love to you. xxx

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  26. I am so sorry for your loss, dear Tanvi :(. As I have lost a very close loved one recently I can imagine what you must be going through, and I know there are no words that can bring comfort, but your fond memories of her will keep her alive forever in your heart :)

    Leia

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  27. I'm sorry for your loss, I got a tad bit teary too, I know how it is to have really close grandparents. I love my grands way too much too.
    Be strong! :)

    ww.arty-heart.blogspot.com

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  28. Sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you

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  29. Sure she is.God bless her.Kudos to you for being such a strong girl.Love.

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  30. Beautiful post hun, my thoughts are with you xx

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  31. Oh, Tanvi...I am sorry to hear of your loss. Grandparents are so special and it sounds like your grandmother was wonderful (I guess that's where you get it from). My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. XOXO.

    Eboni Ife'

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  32. May her soul Rest In Peace.
    You reminded me of my deceased granmom...
    Be strong.

    I dont know if this is the right time for me to be saying this, but i dedicated u a song.do visit my blog.

    love you<3

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  33. Hey I am so sorry to hear about your loss...I know it's difficult to accept but atleast you have some good memories with her to cherish for a lifetime!!
    Take Care Tanvii!!

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  34. I'm so sorry for your loss, Tanvi. Reading about your last goodbye brought tears to my eyes. It was very brave of you to share something so personal here.

    Santina

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  35. tanvi, i am so sorry to hear about your grandmother! ive been close to my grandparents my whole life, and loosing my grandfather was one of the most difficult times. wishing you lots of love and healing! xo

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  36. So sorry for your loss!! You poor girl. Your grandma does sound really awesome.
    Sending you virtual hugs!!

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  37. Sorry to hear about your loss. My prayers are with you.

    Take care.

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  38. Your grandmother sounds very sweet! I am sorry to hear that she has passed. 6 years is a long time to be in pain. I hope she is is a better place as well.

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  39. Sorry for ur loss tanvii, but that was such a beautiful note you wrote about her, for her. May she rest in peace, living here in US, far from home, its always the saddest thing when someone you love back home passes away!
    One wishes, we could have said proper goodbye to them..!

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  40. I think it's a sign that this blog is very dear to you that you are able to write of this. You are lucky to have had a wonderful grandmum like her.

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  41. Hey tanvi, so sorry to read about your grandmom.it must be really tough for you especially being so far away.

    i lost my grandma when i was 17,but I guess you really understand the importance of how special your grand parents are when you get older.

    my grand father is the most special person in my life,my bro and I really close to him. he is about 84 years old and thank god he is totally fit but its so so scary-- the though of losing him.

    may god give you the strength to cope with your amma's loss, i know its tough!

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  42. Warm hugs to you dear. I did loose my Grand Mom a month back and shared many happy moments together as you have mentioned in your posts.
    I am sure that she is with you in every step that you take. Stay strong.
    Much love :)

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  43. Tanvii, sorry about your loss. I love my gramma a lot too. Old age is inevitable, i think we learn a lot watching them deal with it. Its also lovely you say that you are glad that she's out of her misery now. God Bless. and thank you for sharing.

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  44. rather than mere talk of trouble, this post is more about a strong and lovely grand-daughter's gratitude, love and affection towards her grandma, probably that is why you wrote this. Thanks for sharing this amazing bond. may she rest in peace and her protective and caring force be with you and your family.

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  45. Tanvi, I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel because I will be facing the same in a few months. My nani has been in and out of hospitals too many times in the last few months. I know its just a matter of time before she leaves us. But I also know that I would rather she go to my nana, who she misses terribly, than stay here with us in pain.
    I will keep you in my prayers, because I know that no matter how practical you are, loss of this magnitude can never be neutralized.

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  46. I'm so sorry about your loss.. My prayers are with you and your family... Losing grandparents is a big blow.. I have lost 3 of mine and its really painful.. The only feeling that makes me feel ok that it was an end to their ill health and pain... And sharing this doesnt make you any weaker :)

    Take care...

    xoxoxo
    Ritcha

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  47. I got tears in my eyes reading the post. Tanuj made me meet her once.She will always be remembered!! Love and hug Dee

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  48. Tanvi, sorry to know about ur loss!! I can understand its painful to loose someone so close to your heart! its really hard to believe that u will never see them again!!

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  49. Tanvi: no words really adequately express the sorrow we feel for your loss but I'm glad you were able to share this. I like blogs that share who the person behind the scenes is.. at least a little. Otherwise, we're seeing outfit photos and we don't know your hurting and need support... or even a break? That's what this community is for. Love to you and your family.

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  50. I am sorry to hear about your loss..She sounds wonderful and I bet she is looking down on you and enjoying your zest for life..

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  51. Hey...I am so sorry to hear about your Amma. I called my Dadi 'Amma' as well...and it hurt so bad when she passed away.

    Still does. I hope your family is doing ok along with yourself. I know she would be so proud of you :)

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  52. I'm sooooo sorry to hear about your grandma Tanvi. I know she was proud of you. You are such a strong beautiful woman who now has a personal angel with you every second of the day, your grandma. You are very blessed. I'll pray for you and your family to get through this hard time. May God bless you all. Love you!;))

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  53. love and hugs to you doll. I know what it is like to lose a close grandparent. Cook on and celebrate her life!

    xoxo,

    Chic 'n Cheap Living

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  54. thank you so much for just deciding to take the time and share about your grandma with us, Tanvi!
    <3 <3 <3

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  55. Awwwwwwww....... I know exactly how you feel dear......
    When my grandma had passed away 7 years back, my world had come crashing down around me..... All those li'l things that made my grandma special used to come back to haunt me....I missed her cooking, her sweet smile, the way she used to comb my hair, the way I used to lie down with my head on her lap, her simplicity, her naivety......oh! How I used to miss them!! But with time, I guess I got used to not having her around....& life went on......But till now, at times, I feel like I need her in my life like never before.....I feel like if only I could lie down on her lap, things would be alright again.....& I miss her like crazy till this very day! But I know one thing for sure.....that wherever she is, she's happy & smiling, always keeping an eye on her favorite grand-daughter!! :)
    Have strength in these hard times hon......after all, we have to accept Life as it comes....right?
    Much love...& a BIG hug! :))

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  56. I am so sorry to hear about your grandma. My father's mother died of a hear attack after I had moved to Chicago, and there was no funeral because she simply wanted to be cremated, so it took a long time for it to sink in. I will always miss her and my grandfather. They were always so loving and supportive, just like your grandma.

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  57. so sorry to hear about your amma. i hope you feel better Tanvi.

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  58. Thank you for sharing your beautiful and loving grandmother with us. Her love will be with you forever. I can still feel the warmth and love of mine. Lots of Love Dvora Xxxx

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  59. I am so sorry for your loss. As someone who was raised by my grandparents in the early part of my life (long story), I completely understand how difficult this must be for you. I felt the same way when my grandfather passed away the year I was supposed to get married (he was going to give me away). There is nothing like the love one receives from their grandparents. It shapes the rest of your life. It's a rough, but remember, she is looking out for you :).

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  60. Oh T, I am truly sorry for your loss. Grandparents are the best! Story times and cuddles and hugs and a kind word everytime you need one. I miss my grandma so much that even after four years since she passed away I can't talk about her without crying. I wonder when I'll be over the pain and loss. I think people like you and me are lucky to have had such close relationships with our grandmoms...some people loose them earlier in life and never get a chance to forge meaningful relationships with their grandparents.

    Big hug :) Will keep you in my prayers :)

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  61. I'm really happy that you had a grandmother like her. She reminds me of my own dadi who passes away a couple years back while i was here and I couldn't even get to see her one last time. No words can ever convey what I felt for her, how much I loved her or how much I miss her now. So yes, I'm sorry for your loss but very happy that you ever had her and hope and pray that her fond memories always keep replenishing your spirits! =)

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  62. Those pics were so sweet...hope ur grand ma is watching u from up above.

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  63. Oh no so sorry to hear about your grandmother Tanvi. I know it's hard esp when you are so far away. I hope you got to spend some quality time with her on your last trip home! N

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  64. Condolences Tanvi to you and your family during this time. Peace and comfort to you.

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  65. Tanvi,

    I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I never had any experience of grand parents but most people I know say the same what you beautifully captured. Very well written. But as you mention, she was sick and my prayer are with you for a better place for her - I am sure she is at a better place.

    (Sorry I am late. I just came back midnight last night and now catching up.)

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  66. *big big big hug*

    God bless her.. beautiful grandma

    yes, she's definitely in a better place with your grandfather now :) looking upon you (as you wrote)

    grandparents are so adorable, so huggable. so sweet and caring.

    after reading this, i feel the need to meet my grandparents asap.. they are in another country.

    hugs

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  67. Sorry for your loss... She seemed like a phenomenal lady!

    You are fortunate that you got to spend such good times with your grandmother...cherish them forever!

    May God bless her soul.

    Luv

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